


The gate unclosed

by Chiru



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-21
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-10-06 01:58:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17336534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chiru/pseuds/Chiru
Summary: Days end, evening lingers. A meeting of lovers, the memory of feeling. He wont say goodbye.





	The gate unclosed

It's barely fifteen minutes past sunset when Remus drops down into the armchair by the fire. The air outside is biting, and the cold seems to have carved itself deep into his hands. He holds them by the flames, hoping his skin will warm and dispel the shiver that seems to come from inside his very soul.

Little more than a minute after Remus' arrival Sirius walks into the room and offers him a cautious smile. “You're early.” Sirius grins, and casually leans over Remus. Remus, to his surprise, feels his whole body relaxing and he sinks into the cushions at his back, warm and calm washing over him. “How are you feeling?” Sirius continues, observing him closely.

“Oh,” Remus starts tentatively, feeling awkward at the earnest interest his friend is showing him. He would have expected a less blasé attitude, and the lack of bitterness and resentment throws him off. “Fine, yes, thank you,” he pushes out, cringing at his own formality. He pulls his now warm hands close to his body, casting Sirius a quick glance. “How about you? It's been a while.” He doesn’t dare count the days since they last saw each other, though he remembers that moment perfectly. He remembers how they'd stood together in front of the door to James and Lily's home, listening to Harry's cries being taken by the wind as they walked away and the cottage disappeared in the mist. He remembers how Sirius had stepped aside to let Remus protect their friends. He remembers how they had Apparated to their shared apartment to have one last night together before they'd both go into hiding of their own. A last moment of hope, before nothingness prevailed.

Visibly entertained by his discomfort, yet oddly shrugging it off, Sirius takes a seat opposite of Remus, crossing his legs at the ankle. “I saw James, Lily and Harry today. You should see him, Moony, he's growing like a bloody weed! I swear he was only a flubberworm yesterday and now he can say actual words-- that make sense, Moony! The little sprog can talk!” The grin he's wearing is so enormous it feels like a storm slapping into Remus’ face.

Every cell in Remus' body yearns. For the Potters, for their happiness, but mostly for Sirius. He wants to leap into Sirius' arms, hold him close and kiss him softly and enthusiastically, make that smile a permanent fixture on his face. It's been too long since he last saw such a lively smile on his boyfriend's lips-- assuming they are still boyfriends. Not that it matters, not when Voldemort is out there trying to hunt them down, to torture the cottage at Godric's Hollow out of them. It’s just another uncertainty in a world of questions.

“You should be careful,” Remus starts, even if he hates bringing Sirius down when he looks so good, and warm, and home, and happy.

“Of course,” Sirius answers, a shimmer of sadness returning to his eyes, and Remus can't hate himself for putting it there because he knows it's necessary. “Anything for you, babe.” And he bloody well winks.

“Unbelievable.” Remus rolls his eyes, that heat in his chest flaring up, the worries in his heart settling, and he cannot keep the smile off his lips.

\---

Imagining seeing Sirius again had never been like this. In Remus's imagination there would be long lasting stilted awkwardness and eyes shifting away from contact. There would have been careful probing and testing of boundaries, and underhanded comments to hide their hurt. But instead there is warmth, so much it almost burns; there is care and concern for each other, and they may miss each other’s meaning at some turns in conversation, but they missed each other more. Before he knows it the night is coming to an end, and Sirius is yawning as he lifts himself out of his chair. “C'mon then, I'll walk you back,” he says.

As if all lights blow out in a single second, the strangest feeling takes Remus over. It's irrational and unforgiving, pulling at his chest and his legs and the emptiness where the wolf is hidden away inside himself. Remus doesn't want to go. He stares at Sirius standing over him, a careful smile plastered on his lips. He wants to curl into a ball and drown in the warm red cushions at his back, he wants Sirius's heat folded around him, he wants his love and his trust and his touch, but he doesn't want to follow the man out.

Maybe Remus just missed him more than he thought he had. Maybe he's really not ready to part with him yet. Nonetheless Remus is thrown off by this deep desire to stay, to meet the sunrise head-on, together, whyever that may feel important.

Sirius' smile falls, and there's sadness creeping into his eyes. “Moony,” he starts, and Remus sees the effort he puts into pulling the corners of his mouth back up, “it's okay, you don't have to go right away. We can stroll around a little first.”

Obviously this means a lot to Sirius, and the love in his eyes, hiding the haunting pain of their inevitable goodbye, melts some of Remus's fears away. He takes a deep breath, nods, and drags himself to his feet. Sirius steps away from him, almost fearful to touch, and it makes Remus smile. Yes, he feels that fear too. It's in his body, but it's also in his mind. If they touch, would they be able to stop? If he feels the soft texture of Sirius' skin, will he be able to step away, to go back into hiding to keep themselves and their friends safe? He doesn't trust himself, not with this, and it's surprisingly sweet to see Sirius struggle the same.

Remus follows Sirius out the door, down the path cutting the neglected garden in two, through the gate and left on the road, turning their backs on the old mansion. The magical defenses around the hideout are negligible, but Remus pays it no mind. He trusts Sirius, who’s still by his side. They walk in silence, just breathing in each other's company for long stretching minutes. Enjoying the time they have before Remus must leave. Back to his own hideout, heavily protected and unwelcome to any but himself.

Reading too much into distant worries never does Remus any good, so he shakes it off. He looks besides him, at the face of his best friend, the thorn in his side, the love of his life. There's something heavy in Sirius's gaze as their eyes meet, and Remus knows just how to assuage his worries. He trusts this will help, because where touch could be their downfall, he believes the less familiar words will help strengthen both of their resolves. 

“You know I still love you, right?” And Sirius smiles back at this, mouth stretching like a weight is lifting off his shoulders.

\---

Purple stains the cloud in the sky, the sun threatening to rise. A cemetery dawns in the distance. Remus feels his steps falter, and Sirius' hand almost reaches for his, before he stops himself. “What's wrong?” his boyfriend asks.

Lungs suddenly tight, Remus looks at that hand and truly takes in the aborted motion. Slowly he reaches back for Sirius' hand, and sees his fingers pass right through. He swallows, takes a deep breath despite knowing there’s no air going into his absent lungs. “Padfoot.” Their eyes meet, Sirius quick to look away, not daring more that careful glances. Finally, the awkwardness Remus had expected from the start. “What happened?”

Even after all these years, all the pain they suffered at the hands of others and each other, Remus has never seen such despair as that which colours Sirius is that moment. “You died,” Sirius whispers the words into the wind, probably hoping they could be taken away and lost forever.

Anger threatens to break Remus' calm, fuelled by panic and fear, and he only barely breathes through it. “Yes, I figured as much. What happened? Are-- is everybody safe?”

Sirius nods, stiffly. “Right. I figured you didn't remember. It-it happens sometimes. The brain damage seems to have left marks on your soul. It's-- I hate having to tell you this.” He tries to look away, free himself from the conversation, but Remus' glare nails him to his spot and his low growl forces him to continue. “We got captured. They thought it was me and they-- they drove you to madness. Regulus helped us escape, he joined us and-- Voldemort is gone. It's-- there's peace now.”

Everything he ever wanted, become reality, except Remus isn't alive to enjoy it. If his death is the price for peace and happiness for his friends, Remus could imagine worse fates. He softens his gaze, offers Sirius the tiniest of smiles. “I'm happy for you.”

Sirius takes a couple of small breaths, quivering smile stretching his face. He opens the gate to the cemetery, motions for Remus to walk in. “I'm happy with you,” he whispers, barely loud enough for Remus to hear.

That makes sense. Remus steps through the gate, embracing the strange pulling at this core, and lets his hand brush through Sirius' face, gives him a comforting smile. He wants to reassure him, but doesn't dare speak the words again. Doesn't dare to imprison Sirius to him in such a way, even now. Selfishness was always more Padfoot's talent, never his.

As the sun begins to rise he can feel his soul soaking back into the cursed soil where his body rests. Sirius closes the cemetery gate securely and stares anxiously as his lover slowly fades away. He opens his mouth, like he wants to say something, but swallows it whole. “See you tomorrow,” Sirius finally releases, quivering lips, hope and love, regret and yearning all cluttered together.

"Yeah," Remus answers, his voice beginning to fade. He locks eyes with the powerless man before him, and finds he cannot blame him at all. He sees the pain, the hopelessness, the fear of loneliness, of abandonment, of being unworthy of love, and he knows. He cannot spite Sirius for whatever he did. Remus understands that life is for the living, and if his forced lingering can help soothe his lover, he will accept it. "Alright," he says, turning away from the sunrise, and ceases to exist only until the next sundown.

**Author's Note:**

> Did a little experiment with this. First letter of every paragraph spells out the ruling sentiment of the scene.
> 
> Also, thanks to my beta, without whom this would probably be completely incomprehensible. Hopefully now it isn't 8')


End file.
